Question: I’ve never had a girlfriend even though I’m just starting college. Lots of my friends in high school are in long-term relationships but I never even tried to find one because of my fear of rejection. I don’t have problems with talking to girls and I’ve been told that I’m a fairly good looking guy, so I think I can find someone but what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m bad at the sex stuff? I’m really worried I won’t be able to handle getting rejected. What should I do?
Answer: I’m not certain where you live but, in many parts of the world, the late teenage years (when most people start college) is considered just about the right time to begin getting serious about dating and finding a potential mate. In other words, you have plenty of time to commit to the right woman.
Many people are afraid that they won’t be good at the art of romantic love. Affection and sex are such important parts of romantic relationships that many people of both sexes get nervous about it. Sometimes people become so concerned about their own role in the process that they forget about their partner but it’s important to remember that there are two people participating in this encounter. If both people are scared and inexperienced, then the two of you could learn together. If however, your partner is the more experienced of the two of you, then she may be pleased to be your teacher. Either way, it is essential to keep in mind that there is no “perfect” way to be a good lover. It’s all about pleasing your partner and yourself, so feel free to experiment.
Believe it or not, kissing and the acts of physical love are skills. As with all other skills, they improve with knowledge and practice. If you are truly concerned that you won’t be a good lover and you want to learn some things before you practice, find some good books or videos on sex. There are many educational “how-to” manuals and videos that are very helpful. Just please don’t use pornography as your guide. It isn’t about mutual gratification or “real” sex and, as such, will not be a good learning tool.
Whenever you deal with human beings, rejection is always a possibility. Most people are very fearful of rejection because it hurts and it isn’t fun. However, rejection is inevitable, we should look at it differently. Instead of viewing rejection as something to be avoided, what if you see it as a learning experience? It will still hurt but will also teach you something. Sometimes rejection is even in our best interests. It can keep us from having experiences that might not be good for us even if they’re something we want at the time. It’s also important to remember that rejection cannot take away the good memories you already have. I’ve had several relationships that ended in rejection but now I look back fondly at the time we spent together. If I had given into my fear of rejection, I would’ve missed out on a lot of fun times.
If you look at rejection as something that will make you stronger, you may not fear it as much. Using every encounter as an opportunity is a good way to be open to more experiences. For example, whenever you meet a woman whom you would like to get to know better, focus on how much you’re enjoying the moment. If she does reject you, figure out if there was anything you could have done differently to make things go better. If the answer is no, then move on and meet other women. Eventually you will find the woman who is right for you. When that happens, the fear of commitment often falls to the wayside because being together feels so good. And while love isn’t the answer to everything, it certainly helps.